Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Tired of Crossroads

My program gave the hemepath position I applied for to someone else. The people with whom I worked on several occasions, who truly know my talents and capabilities, have chosen someone they didn't know, over me. I wonder if that says something about me, or about them, or about the system itself. Either way, here I am, again, standing at a crossroad, with no signs to read and no vision whatsoever of where any of the roads would eventually take me.

At a time when my brain is but a mad vortex of blurry and shattered images, when my soul is torn between who I am becoming right now and that other guy who I always wanted to be; at a time when my heart is wandering between the crowded streets of Atlanta, the sweaty sun-drenched alleys of free downtown Beirut, and some little cottage house in a forest on a mountain near the sky, here I am, at the same, neverending, everhaunting, muddy, foggy, empty, very empty crossroad.

A few years ago, I would have said to myself "I will take any road, clear the fog and the mud, summon the sun from behind the hills, and wherever my feet will take me, I will build a tower with the rocks and the stones covering my path, climb to the top of the tower, and grab the entire universe with my scorched hand". I would have wanted to show the world that my history is my making, that my future is what I choose to make of it, that my life, if not completely my own, is not worth living at all.

But today, here I am, living but barely, empty-handed and empty-souled, waiting to just disappear.


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